The Night of the Waking Frenchman
by RomanianDollar
Summary: Winnie the Pooh parody. When France decides to forego sleep to have fun with his friends at night, England, America, and Canada are caught in the crossfire. Can they find a way to make France settle down and go to sleep? For everyone who grew up with Winnie the Pooh, this one's for you!


**Hey everyone!  
I'd been thinking of writing a Hetalia fic for a while now - it's one of my favorite animes to date - but I really wasn't sure with what. Anyway, so my little siblings really love watching things like Mickey Mouse and Winnie the Pooh (I have a family of Hetalia fans, btw :P ) and I remembered a Pooh episode I used to really like: The Night of the Waking Tigger.  
For those of you who don't remember that one, it was from the Book of Pooh puppet series and was featured in their compilation movie, Stories From the Heart. I practically grew up with that movie; I highly recommend it if someone wants to go watch it. This story is a parody of that episode, so if you haven't seen it you won't get it.  
This story is a dedication to all of those like me who grew up with Winnie the Pooh and love Hetalia. Cheers! **

It was late at night, and in the large Parisian apartment building where all the Nations stayed when France hosted the World Meetings, everyone was sound asleep. It had been a tiring meeting, with everyone getting into brawls as usual, so they were all exhausted and contentedly indulging in a good night's sleep.

Except for one.

France was happily prancing through the streets of Paris. He'd taken one too many doses of China's special coffee earlier that day, and now he was nowhere near ready to go to sleep. Having visited all the major entertainment centers in the area already, he was on his way back when a thought popped in his head.

 _Now that I'm gone, everyone's probably having all sorts of fun without me! I can't miss that!_ Determined not to be the loser that night, he strode back to the apartments to check which of the Nations were also awake.

As he entered he decided to phone the rest of the Bad Touch first. But Prussia's phone was turned off, and when he tried to call Spain he was only met with a string of half-asleep Spanish swear words. But France wasn't giving up so easily; and he went down the hall to where England's apartment was.

Mon petit lapin _is probably conjuring his spells at this very moment!_ France thought delightedly. _I don't think he even sleeps at all!_

"HELLOOOO!" he yelled as he pounded on the door. "I know you're in there, _Angleterre_!" 

* * *

Rubbing his eyes sleepily, England half-stumbled, half dragged himself out of bed and to the door. "Hold your bloody horses, I'm coming!" he called, and nearly fell back asleep again. Several of his faeries had to shove him back up, and he reached for the doorknob. "This had better be important! I was dreaming about a unicorn as big as a house!"

"Why, that is just so infantile, _Angleterre_!" France beamed as he welcomed himself in, walking leisurely past an open-mouthed England.

"France! What the bloody hell are you doing in my apartment?!" the Nation spluttered in disbelief. "Idiot! Do you know what time it is?"

The Frenchman scratched his head for a moment. "I don't know, my phone ran out of battery. But judging by the sky and the night life outside, I would say it's quite late."

"Exactly! It's _very late_! Now do you mind explaining what you want before I decide to get my spellbook out?"

"I want to join your night-life! So, what's happening – partying, spell-casting?"

The Englishman's eyes widened. "Did…did you seriously think I would not be sleeping tonight? I am by no means an insomniac, and I don't intend to start today. Now get out or I _will_ be doing some spell-casting tonight after all. Goodnight."

France grinned good-naturedly. "Oh, I get it! A short nap before the real fun starts – sounds good to me! But I'm not tired, so you just go right ahead."

"But…"

"Don't mind me, _Angleterre_. I'll be right here when you get back." France flopped down on the sofa in the living room and reached for the TV remote.

England sighed exasperatedly. "Alright, _fine_. But keep it down – I need my beauty sleep."

" _Oui_ , you really need it," France commented, earning a sharp glare from the Brit.

Sleep taking over him again, England stumbled back to his bedroom while the other Nation flicked on the TV to pass the time.

10 minutes later, he was still trying to change the channel from an annoying British soap opera that lit up the screen, but the buttons wouldn't budge. England had probably put something in the remote. Already getting bored, the blond Frenchman got up and strolled to the bedroom where he could hear the eyebrowed Nation lightly snoring.

He could see the top of his sandy blond hair peeking out from underneath the covers, which were decorated with a Great Britain flag pattern like most of the other furnishings in the apartment. _He's so cute, sleeping peacefully like an_ enfant _._ France peered over the side of the bed to get a better look at England's sleeping face, and slowly a slasher smile began to spread over his features.

At this moment the other Nation stirred and opened his eyes.

"GYAAAAAAAA!" England simultaneously jumped back and launched a punch at France's face.

" _Mon Dieu_ , my beautiful face!" he yelped.

The Brit was wide awake now. "What are you doing, you twat?" he demanded angrily, pulling his covers over his pajamas in a shot at modesty. "I'll never get to sleep with you staring at me!"

"Well, that's fine then. Because I have to tell you, _Angleterre_ , you're kind of a boring sleeper." France rubbed his aching cheek, feeling slightly irritated. "Maybe I should find someone else to have fun with."

" _Yes_ , by all means, _please_ do that. Or better yet, go to bed yourself and stop bothering people at all hours of the night."

"No way! I'm not missing any of the fun you're all having at night!"

England rolled his eyes, and having confined himself to a long night, got out of bed and pulled on a robe. "Nothing happens at night, Francis. We all sleep, that's all there is to it. I'll take you to see Canada and you'll see what I mean."

"Oh, perfect!" France bounced up excitedly and followed England out. "I bet _Mathieu_ is dancing the night away!" 

* * *

As a matter of fact, that was _exactly_ what Canada was doing, up until about half an hour ago.

Now, the excitement of their sleepover worn off, Prussia and Netherlands were sound asleep on either side of Canada in his double bed. Kumajiro was happily cuddled up at his feet, and everything was still and peaceful – just the way a busy day should end.

That is, until there was a knock on the door. "HELLOOOOOO! _MATHIEU_ , MY BEAUTIFUL CHILD!" France yelled. "ARE YOU HOME, OR WHAT?"

"Holy Maple!" the Canadian gasped, sitting up in bed. _It's Papa! He's going to walk in, see everyone sleeping here, get the wrong idea, and join in! What's he even doing here at this hour?_

"Come on, Matthew, open up," England called, and a shiver ran down Canada's spine.

 _Arthur too! It's even worse now!_ The younger Nation fumbled around for his glasses blindly. "Kumajiro, wake up!" he cried, scrambling out of bed.

The polar bear yawned and rubbed its eyes. "Who're you…?" it mumbled.

"I'm Canada! Now please, help me find my glasses!" Canada managed to climb over Prussia and get out of bed, then threw the covers over the sleeping Nations just in case France decided to peek in.

Kumajiro fished around under the bed and held up the item. "Here they are!"

"Thanks." The Canadian put on his glasses, snatched up the polar bear in his arms, and closed the bedroom door behind him. _This time, I'm really going to tell him a thing or two. Waking me from a good sleep like this…_ Stifling a yawn, he crossed the hallway to the door and unlocked it.

Before him were an utterly sleep-deprived England and an unpleasantly hyper France.

" _Bonne nuit, Mathieu_!" France hugged Canada and planted a kiss on each cheek. "See, Arthur, I told you someone was up! He's even having a party and everything!"

Canada turned around and remembered the living room strewn with helium balloons, beer bottles and popcorn, which was visible from the door. He seriously felt like face-palming right now.

"So, what games have you been playing?" the Frenchman asked excitedly as he pranced around in the living room. "Monopoly? Poker? _Strip poker_?"

England gagged behind him.

"A-actually, I was just sleeping right now," Canada stammered. "I had some of the guys over in the evening to watch a movie, but that was all. But is everything alright? What are you both doing up so very, _very_ late at night?"

"Believe me, I wish I knew…" England muttered.

"Oh, I've given up sleeping for good! I don't want to miss any of the fun you party-animals might be having!" The Frenchman continued his prancing while England approached Canada.

"I'm sorry about this, I really am," he said in a low voice. He looked about ready to drop off at any moment. "But you _have_ to help me. Don't you see? If France doesn't sleep, _none_ of us do! Ever! And I _need_ my sleep, Matthew – _very_ badly…"

"Don't worry," Canada said quickly, "I'll think of something. He'll have to get tired sooner or later."

"So," said France as he twirled to a halt. "What are we doing first? The night's young!"

England narrowed his eyes. "No, it isn't."

"Hey, how about a nice soothing bedtime story?" Kumajiro piped up.

"Oh, that's a good idea!" the young Nation said with a smile. "Thanks, Kuma!"

"Who are you?"

"…I'm Canada!"

"That sounds like a great way to start off the night! I know a good one!" France bellowed as he flopped down on the sofa. "Alright, gather around, _mes amis_ , because this tale is about to spin!"

The two Nations glanced at each other and gulped. 

* * *

"…And then, the hormonally raging Frenchman ****** his way to the end of the country, and he didn't stop there. He ****** the British, then he ****** the Italians, then he ****** even the un****able Germans, then pulled out his **** and dove into the ocean to rinse off. And do you know what happened next?"

Dazed into a state of shock, England and Canada shook their heads numbly.

"He got out the condoms."

"GYAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Kumajiro was crying in a corner of the room, and England slumped lifelessly on the sofa.

"Sweet mother of maple, my ears…" Canada groaned, rolling around on the floor.

"Well, that was invigorating!" France looked completely unperturbed by the erotic story he'd traumatized the two with. "I never knew night-time activities could be so much fun! What's next?"

"This is worse than ever," said England, finally snapping out of it. "We'll _never_ get to sleep now."

"Let's just dump him off at Alfred's. He pulls off all-nighters pretty often anyway, and at least then we can get some sleep." Although after France's story Canada felt like he never wanted to see the inside of a bed again, but he kept that gem to himself.

"Sounds good. Oi, Frog," the Brit called, "We're heading to America's place. Maybe then you'll find what you're looking for."

"Splendid! _Amerique_ always knows the best ways to spend the night!" The Frenchman smoothed back his perfect blond locks and pranced after them. 

* * *

On the top floor in his apartment, America was snoring deeply under a mountain of blankets. The bed was strewn with hamburger wrappers and DVDs. Tony was still awake, and playing one of Japan's video games on the TV across from the Nation's bed, but he kept it on mute, and the dim blue glow didn't disturb America's sleep.

But a loud knock at the door did.

"HELLOOOOOOOOOO! AMERICA, ARE YOU UP?" France hollered outside.

The Nation stirred and rolled over in bed. The knocking persisted, and Tony shut off the TV crossly while muttering a string of profanities under his breath.

"Hey, wake up, *****," he grumbled as he shook America's shoulder.

"Burgers…freedom…burgers…" the Nation mumbled in his sleep.

"Oh, forget it," Canada said outside. "I have a key." Fishing the item out of his pocket, he opened the door and the three stepped in. America's snoring could be heard from a room away.

"Uh…" England paused, unsure what to do. Before any of them could say anything, there came a noise from the bedroom like a DVD being broken over someone's head, followed by a girly scream.

America stumbled in a few moments later, his hair sticking up in all directions and his glasses slipping off his nose. "Mornin', guys," he murmured as he rubbed his eyes. "What're you doing here?"

"Um…sorry for disturbing you, Alfred, but…" Canada glanced back at France, who was prancing around the room while being chased by a pissed off England. "France refuses to go to sleep, and he's settled for going around and waking us up. We tried doing a bedtime story, but it just woke him up even more."

"Not to mention us," interjected England.

The blond American winced. "Must've been a bad story then."

"Exactly! Do you think…you know any good ways to get him tired?"

"I heard that!" yelled France. "Sleeping is for pushovers! Now that I mention it, we should go find Italy and Lithuania…"

America raised an eyebrow. "I know lots of ways to _keep_ from sleeping, if you know what I mean, but not so many for _getting_ to sleep. Usually my way of relaxing is just to eat something yummy, like burgers!"

Canada gasped. "That's it!"

"What, I should eat more burgers?"

"No! We need to get France to _relax_!" The younger Nation turned to grab the Frenchman's hand. "Francis, stop a moment, please."

France screeched to a halt, causing England to crash into him. "What is it, my darling _Mathieu_?"

"Is there anything that…I don't know, maybe, makes you just a little bit sleepy?"

" _Non_! Nothing will ever - from now until the end of time – make me tired _or_ sleepy!"

England sighed defeatedly. "That's it then…we'll never be able to sleep again."

"Although, now that you mention it..." added France after a moment, "There was just _one_ thing."

The three Nation's eyes lit up eagerly. "What is it? Please tell us!"

A shadow grew over France's eyes, and his voice grew sober. "It…it was just something Jeanne used to do when we lived together. She…" At this he sniffed, and England moved away guiltily. "She used to sing me a lullaby."

America's eyes widened. It was rare to see France this serious, much less talk about Jeanne. "Really?" he whispered.

" _Oui_. It was war back then, you see, so I was always staying up at night to work on war strategies. She was the one who would make sure I stopped and got some rest, and she would sing. I can still remember her sweet, throaty voice getting out of tune every five seconds…she couldn't sing a note."

The two young Nations wrinkled their brows and looked at each other questioningly. That just went from sad to strange all too quickly.

For a few seconds they just blinked, not sure what to say at this point.

"Well…we could sing you a lullaby!" America said with a grin.

England looked up from where he'd been growing mushrooms in a corner of the room. "Us, sing?"

"Sure! It's not like we sound like frogs or anything…" The Brit shot him a hard look at this.

"Even so, it could work!" Canada was beginning to look more cheerful. 

* * *

In no time at all the three had gotten France installed on the sofa with lots of blankets and pillows. "Alright, Francis," said England, "Now just try to relax and think of all the nice things in the world and you'll start feeling tired."

"Like sex?" France asked. America groaned behind the couch.

"No, that just fires you up! Go for something nice and soothing, like the moon and mushy '20s romance movies." As the Frenchman obediently settled down, the three gathered around and began to sing.

 _"Curl up with your pillows and your blanky,"_ America began softly. _"Close your eyes and dream so soft and hazy…"_

Canada picked it up next. _"Go to sleep before you make us cranky,"_

 _"Do it soon or else we'll all go crazy,"_ continued England. France began to doze off.

The three voices blended as they dove into the chorus.

 _"Night is falling in the summer skies,_

 _That means it's time to close your pervy eyes,_

 _Francis, please lay down your lovely head,_

 _And rest your corpse upon your comfy bed!"_

"Wait, what kind of song is that, you wanker?" England snapped. It seemed to be working on France though – he looked about half-way to Dreamland already.

 _"The trouble as we see it, Francis, is_

 _These problematic hours that you keep,_

 _You like to kiss and strip and glomp and grope,_

 _While everybody else would like to sleep…"_

With that America began drumming on the coffee table, startling the Frenchman awake again.

 _"Dream of velvet rose bushes in neat and tidy rows!"_ yelled England.

 _"Dream of wine and intercourse and great big baguette breads!"_ Canada chimed in, and switched to beatboxing.

America picked it up next. _"Dream of eating burgers, and drinking burgers too!"_

The other two joined in on the last line. _"Dream a dream you're dreaming that you'll dream the whole night through~!"_

They gathered around France and drummed on the sofa to the beat.

 _"It's time to stop the noise and start the silence._

 _We really can't abide another peep,_

 _So gaze upon the inside of your eyelids!_

 _Lay down your lovely frame and go to sleep!_

 _Lie down and sleep!_

 _Yeah, Francis, sleep!_

 _Just go to sleeeeeep!"_

France yawned and rubbed his eyes as he snuggled deeper into the blankets. "Thank you, _mes amis_ ," he said sleepily. "That was good."

"I'm glad you liked it!" America said, looking quite pleased with himself. "It was nothing for the Hero to come up with a little lullaby on the spot – OW!" and he yelped as England smacked him on the head.

"But still," the Frenchman admitted, "I don't want to miss whatever you all do at night…"

America laughed. "France, we don't do _anything_ at night. We're all tired after a busy day, so we just crash. All that happens is a little snoring."

"Oh, really?" France yawned again and his eyes drooped shut. "Why didn't…you tell me…before, _Angleterre_ …?" With that he dropped off to sleep.

England gaped at the sleeping Nation, his eye twitching. "Why, I – I just – that's what I was trying to – all this time…" The shock and his exhaustion proved too much for him, and with a drawn-out gasp he collapsed on the floor.

The two remaining Nations gazed down at their parents with a smile. "Well, I guess Arthur didn't have any trouble getting back to sleep," Canada said with a little chuckle.

"Yeah." America stifled a yawn and stretched. "Don't bother to go back to your apartment. C'mon, Mattie, you can sleep with me."

"Alright." The strawberry-blond followed Alfred back to his room, sleep coming over him once more. He stopped at the doorway and glanced back at England and France.

"Goodnight, you two," he whispered softly. " _Bonne nuit_."

 _ **Fin.**_


End file.
